Loving and being broken are two parts of life that comes together like the yin and yang. Balanced yet opposite, together but differ in purpose. In this age, being legal at 18 made me wonder why love exist, come and go. Before, love was just a thing I wanted but never really needed because my life was set to achieve my goals that’s why I’m more focused on my studies. I never knew love will come around and change my life.
Last Christmas when we were having “exchange gifts” for our college batch party, they ask me to write my wishlist. Funny because I wrote at the last option the word “BOYFRIEND”, I never really mean it but after a month, the ideal one came and painted my life with neon colors. :)
It was the time when I realized that I’m really ready to have “One”, to be in a relationship is never that bad influence in studies if you just knew how to balance. He has been my inspiration from the past two months. His presence also comforted me that I can make it, and face any challenges my college life throws at me. His wisdom made me love him deeper, it was like he can give any advice and solution in all the problems I opened up. I also felt the security and safety in his arms, like he was my guardian angel or something. His smile makes me smile too, like it was so contagious. It was in his eyes that I saw the transparency, the reality, the Love.
Like any other couples, we started dating. Watched movies, eat together, talk, talk and talk. I didn’t even expected he’s a man who loves and likes what I want. Talking to him all along was like having someone understanding my world; someone who’s part of my comfort zone. We even planned to have a couple shirt and have it this month. But sadly, the relationship we had before was not that intimate anymore.
He came to my life unexpectedly and leaved me as fast as he came along. We didn’t have any major misunderstanding, but he decided to end up the intimacy and asked me to stay as his friend. At first my blood boiled big bubbles, and I said “NO”. Because it was then I realized that he’s the one courting me but then he’s the one who created the “FRIENDZONED” zone between us. See the logic, he did it to me like I’m the one who liked him first. How come he have the guts to do that to me?
It was that day that I’m bursting in madness. Until I realized, I haven’t heard his reasons yet. And I’m ending what we just had and shared together with just a big “NO”. Then I finally agreed that we should talk personally. Here came the twist and turns that he was busy and we can’t talk. Exams week came and time consumes the space we need to talk. Then yesterday, we finally had our chance to talk about it. It gave me goose bumps while asking him why and how does we end up this way. In his way of talking, I felt his manly voice hide a deeper meaning beyond all his reasons. It made me shiver hearing all those mistakes that made him turned off. I also shared my feelings about this matter, but didn’t say everything.
Before leaving, something inside me yelled and scream that “Hug him, hug him”. But in my thoughts I realized, “what’s the use? there’s no reason at all” and BOOM! my thoughts win. I felt the urge to hug him for the last time but I didn’t insist anymore. Then about the FRIENDSHIP thing that he offers to me before, I said “bahala ka” but inside me I want to revive and save what we just had. Then he asked me, if I really want to then I finally said “pag magrorockband kami, sama ka”. Knowing that this company he enjoys and I enjoy was both our circle of friends. Then he asked “yun lang?” here came the urge of hugging him and asking him to stay. But my pride won, geez. I didn’t spoke anything more but the word “bye”.
Now it sinks inside me, I finally knew what just happened was something I will remember no matter what. He might not be ready yet, and became impulsive in what he does. I still love the way he made me feel when we were still together, maybe not an official couple. But at least we knew we love each other.
"Why make someone fall, if you have no intention to catch her at all", he stated this before. I think he must eat what he just said. But, it don’t matter now. What just happened is now part of the past. Moving on is the only way to escape this. But, inside me I wanna cry and say this to him:
"Why did you leave when I’m already INLOVE with you?"
Oh well, I think time can heal me. Heal my regrets of losing him when I already fell. Heal my feelings of regrets that we might still be together if we just saved it. It will surely be a good one if we just decided to stay. But for now, vacation is here. I don’t know when our paths will collide once again. But, by that time only FRIENDSHIP binds us, and if LOVE was still present between me and him. I think, acceptance of each others flaw is just the key. But if he found someone new, I understand. He’s not mine to hold him back.
I think the conclusion here is:
BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR ‘CAUSE YOU JUST MIGHT GET IT